Wednesday, January 10, 2007

White Trash Cooking

I can’t believe it is my turn to cook again today! It sure comes around fast. To get ready for it, yesterday I was browsing through all the recipes I have collected over time. Looking for something different. Still haven’t decided, but I did come across a recipe I wrote a few years back. The challenge was to turn an ordinary recipe into a “White Trash” one. Here it is, and if you decide to try it, let me know!

Wayne’s White Trash BBQ Recipe

Go to the store and buy a big ‘ol piece of meat. Get the cheapest cut, like a chuck or arm roast. It will be so tender when you are done, everyone will think you used Filet Mignon or something.
Get your crock pot out. If it’s been awhile since you used it, make sure to wash it to get the dust and cobwebs off before you actually put any food in it. I have found that people do not enjoy finding spider legs or pieces of dead centipedes in their food.

Take the roast out of that plastic wrap that the store puts around it and place it in the bottom of the crock pot. Be careful not to drip blood from the wrapper onto the floor when you carry it to the garbage container. But if do, don’t worry, the dogs will lick it up. Just don’t let them lick too long because they will leave a big ‘ol clean spot on the floor. Then you may have to mop the floor again, even though you just did it last April for Spring Cleaning.

Put the crock pot on low to medium setting. Do not spice the meat, unless you want to put a little garlic powder on it. That would be good for you and your guests anyway because garlic has been found to thin your blood, thus reducing the chances of heart attack. Or vampire attack.
Cover the slab of meat with ketchup, about ¾” worth. Don’t pour it all over the crock pot, just on top of the meat. Doesn’t really matter what brand. You can even use the store brand which is usually cheaper, especially if they are running an in store special on it. If you have a coupon it would be even cheaper still. This is not an expensive meal to make.

One option to consider, but not necessary, is that you can spoon one or two globs of some commercial Barbie-Q sauce on top of the ketchup. This is not needed but it does deepen the Barbie-Q flavor somewhat.

Next get a can of Coke out of the fridge. I guess it really doesn’t need to come from the fridge. It could have been in the back hall or garage or someplace like that too. It can even be room temperature. Don’t shake it though because then it will spray all over and you will have quite a mess on your hands cleaning that all up. Of course, if it goes on the floor, you have the problem with the dogs licking it up and making another clean spot on your floor. Then you would really have to mop! Or I suppose you could move the rug from in front of the sink to where the dogs licked the floor clean and just cover the spot. Yeah, that would work. Anyway, pour the Coke around the meat, not on top of it. If you do that, you will wash all the ketchup off of it and it will not cook into the meat as well. (I don’t really know if that is true or not, but that’s what I was told by the person who gave me this recipe. I don’t even talk to that person anymore. We had a difference of opinion on a different matter so we are not the best of friends anymore. I was right, of course.)

Put the cover on the pot and let it cook for at least 12 hours on low. After about 3 hours or so, you can turn the meat over, but that is not necessary and just makes an extra step that you really don’t need in your busy life. After all, you are probably making this dish anyway because it is supposed to be easy and not a brain teaser. I guess I wouldn’t even bother turning it over if I didn’t have to, so just forget this step or that I even mentioned it.

Once the meat is just falling apart and the juices are really bubbly and smell really good, take all the meat out of the crock pot and place it onto a cutting board. Now this part can be difficult if you are like me and find yourself doing this at 5:00am in the morning because, like a fool, you volunteered to take something to work for a potluck. Everybody else always says, “I’ll bring the chips!” or “I’ll bring the pickles and olives!” or, the best, “I’ll bring a bag of store bought cookies!”. Like it is some really big deal or something. I mean, how hard is it to go to the store and throw an extra bag of potato chips into your cart? Well, duh, that is really creative. Anyway, I digress again.

Get two forks out of the drawer, or sink or dishwasher, wherever you store them. Mine are usually in the dishwasher. Be careful though when you open the dishwasher door and close it right back up right away. If you don’t you will probably look down and find the dogs licking all the plates that are still in there. And that is just disgusting because then you really can’t reuse them until you wash them NO MATTER WHAT! So take the two forks and start shredding the meat apart. Just pick at it with the forks until you have it all shredded into pieces. As you go along, discard any fat pieces that you find. Nobody likes to get pieces of fat in their sandwich. Even if you do think it would help some of those anal retentive people at works digestive tract. Although, if your office is like mine, people don’t need any more help with that, if you know what I mean. Besides, getting a big ‘ol glob of fat in your mouth is like chewing on a phlegm ball, if you ask me.

If you want the meat to go further, after you have shredded it, take the biggest, sharpest knife or cleaver that you have and chop it into little pieces. (NOTE: this is a good time to take out your frustrations on the person who always brings chips, cookies or pickles! Not like they had to get up at 5:00am IN THE MORNING or anything. Give that meat a good ‘ol whack and slice and dice it just as if it were their head or some other body part, as your imagination dictates. You will feel better. Trust me on that!)

Now put all of that meat back into the crock pot and stir it up. Continue to heat it with the top off so that some of the juices evaporate. Otherwise it will be really wet and everybody will bitch about it being too runny to make a good sandwich with. And usually the person bitching the loudest is the same one who brought the chips!

Turn off the crock pot about ½ hour before you leave for work. If you don’t, it will be too hot to transport and you could do yourself a serious injury if you try to carry it on your lap. Especially if you are driving. But then, getting it to work or wherever is a whole other subject and I will leave that up to you to figure out.

One final word. If the bastards don’t thank you or tell you enough how wonderful you are for bringing something homemade to the potluck, next time, bring the chips!

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