Thursday, August 07, 2008

Ready, Aim, Fire!

Everybody poops. Well, except my Mother. She's 80 and still won't admit to ever having a bowel movement in her life. But the rest of us sure do. So, during my recent bout of ill health, when the doctor ordered a fecal sample, I wasn't too upset.

I made my way over to the lab across town and offered to leave my shorts. Job done. Except the technician wasn't buying it. He wanted a sample just a little fresher. Ok, still no problem. There are three of us living in this house. It would take a little work, but I could just dig into the bathroom trash bin and keep unfolding until I found a piece I recognized. Job done. Except the technician wasn't buying that plan either. He wanted fresh. As in just done your business fresh.

So he hands me this little plastic cup to take home. I just stared at it there in my hand. I have seen CostCo hand out samples in bigger cups than that! What the heck was I supposed to do with that? Well, I knew what I was supposed to do. It was the actual accomplishment of the task that was giving me pause.

Since the actual thought of having to fill this little cup was causing me a bit of constipation, er, consternation, I had a few days to think over the process. I finally came up with what I thought was the perfect solution. The only problem was that every time I would hit the floating cup, it would sink! And the sample was not supposed to be contaminated in any way. Ok, off to get some more cups. I got a couple of dozen, just in case.

So, just like those games at the Carnival where you get to choose the yellow duckie out of the water tank, I set the water in the bowl in motion and set several blank cups afloat. Aim. Shoot! Miss! Aim. Shoot! Miss! It was the same old problem. If I hit one on the side, it tipped over and sank. If I got it dead on, it sank. This was clearly not working.

Plan B. I set a cup on the shower floor. I figured it would be easier to hit a stationary target. Aim. Shoot! Miss! Scoot a little to the left. Aim. Shoot. Miss again! Scoot a little to the right. Same results. Something was clearly wrong with this plan too.

Finally it hit me! Get your shit together, Wayne. Literally. All I had to do was set a bunch of those little cups all in a row! So I lined them up like little soldiers, got set and scooched and shot at the same time, right to left. At last, success! I had actually hit one! To say I was relieved is putting it my mildly. I was actually starting to get cramps in my bad hip from all that shuffling and scooting around!

If nothing else, I have class. So I loaded the little cup into a Liverpool bag and trotted it downtown to the clinic. Whereupon, in front of me and anybody else who cared to watch, he ripped open the bag and took the cover off the sample! I don't know what he was checking for. Quality? Quantity? A Thank You card? I didn't really care. I was just glad to have the ordeal over!

Ok, If anybody actually believes that story, I got some swamp property you should buy! True, I did have to come up with a fecal sample but the actual event was not funny and, in fact, was quite stressful. But heck, if you can't find humor in a situation, you might as well be dead.


Anonymous said...

you had me laughing out loud!! feel better. - Trina in Idaho

ArizonaKelly said...

Very funny Wayne, you had me fooled there for a bit! I was thinking "Wow, I wonder what he ate that he can go like that? I know what his problem is... he is full of shit!"

And in the end I was right! :)

heatherinparadise said...

I laughed so hard I threw up. Or threw up so hard I laughed, whatever.


Anonymous said...

Loved that story .. you ALMOST had me believing and laughing. Such humor for a sick person!
KW in Michigan

CancunCanuck said...

OMG, I am cracking up here! Thanks for a great giggle, that was awesome!

Tip for next time. Grab a larger container, boiled so it's not contaminated. Poop in the larger container then scoop into the smaller one. Our lab here gives us little spoons with our sample jars, they look like those sample spoons you get at Baskin Robbins but I wouldn't want to get confused. Rocky Road anyone? ;-)

Ok, did that cross a line? Apologies.....

John W said...

Scatalogical humor--my sweet spot. If you live in Mexico long enough, and if you eat enough street food, you develop great poop-sampling skills. Today, I'm like the ice cream vendor who tosses a scoop of triple chocolate chip over his shoulder and catches it in a cone held behind his back.

That image ought to stick with you for a day or so...

Babs said...

TOO much information! But funny nonetheless - I'm glad you were kidding cause I would have suggested a frontal labotamy to add to all the rest of the stuff you're going through........GET WELL!

Islaholic Trixie said...

You may have been sick, but you haven't lost your sense of humor!! Thanks for the good laugh today.

Steve Cotton said...

And the winner for the 8 year old in all of us is -- WAYNE! Frankly, I think everything in your post -- except the last paragraph -- is true. It is good to get the straight poop from you.

islagringo said...

trina: that was my goal. And I don't mind making a fool of myself to do it. Evidently.

akelly: great response! had me laughing out loud too!

heather: please don't follow my example and blog about throwing up!

kw: you're surprised? Sick humor from a sick person!

cc: where were you when I needed you! Good idea but I'm afraid that container would get thrown out. No matter much we reboiled it, nobody here would ever use it again! And I am not going near the ice cream analogy!

john w: a day or two? try having it burned into my retinas!

babs: frontal labotomy? do you think my previous one has grown back or something?

trixie: my pleasure!

JoAnne in CT said...

Oh my God this had me laughing out loud!! You had me there for a minute, too Wayne! Dear husband got an intestinal parasite last year in the Dominican Republic. Sick as a dog, he was.

Fortunately when the lab asked for a sample, he got a "kit" to use. Had to do his business in a bowl-like aparatus that fit over the toilet, and it had a pointed end like a pitcher. Business done, pour into the container and seal. Voila!

Probably the worst part of any of that was the fact that the lab wanted a sample from each of his bouts, which had to be refrigerated till we dropped them all off the next morning! Hey! who put all this chocolate sauce in the fridge?


Glad you're feeling better!

Loretta said...

My first reaction: EWWWWWWW! My second: Gufaw!. My third: I'm sincerely glad you don't have Dengue Fever. I'm also happy to see that nothing can damage that raunchy sense of humor of yours.

Sandye in Kansas said...

Great one, Wayne! :D You had me laughing, too!

Jonna said...

I've got one of those cups from the lab sitting on the shelf here but the logistics of it all have kept me from 'fullfilling' my part of the job. I thought I'd get some good tips from you. Hmmmm, no.

I wish I'd gotten a little baskin robbins spoon with mine. I'm not sure if they care if you just wash one after the ice cream and re-use it? I sure hope the opening it up in front of everyone wasn't true.

Anonymous said...

I don’t think that I can add anything funnier or cleverer than what has already been said. The comments were almost as funny as your story.

islagringo said...

joanne: you couldn't have stored them in a non see thru bag??

loretta: takes a lot to keep me down! Like your reactions!

sandye: my pleasure!

jonna: i would never be so gross as to expose the real details. However Kelly's thing about transferring from a big pot to a little is a good one. And, yes, he actually did stand there at the counter and take a good look inside. I was mortified.

jackie: i have some good faithful commenters. Sometimes serious, sometimes funny, but always they entertain me and us!

islagringo said...

steve: sorry, I skipped your comment! Do you need the address for where to send the trophy?? And there were actually 3 truths in the post.

Steve Cotton said...

Wayne -- I think you already have the trophy.

Anonymous said...

And just this morning, my doggy dog came in to see how it was going. She could have helped you! And she loves to watch the toilet flush, whether there's anything in there or not. She just hasn't learned how to do it on her own, so it's something we do together! Wayne, you need a dog to go through these things with you and who carries a big bark! For the thieves.

harvestmoon said...

Oh Wayne! I'm so sorry to hear you're sick and had I not had 3 kids sick with dyssentry while we were camped outside Queretaro I would have found this funny. Instead I got flashbacks. Erm, thanks. I think. :)

3 kids. Dysentry. One toliet. You do the math.

tacogirl said...

priceless post :)